Life is like eating a plate of spaghetti bolognese, at a restaurant
Only you’re eating with your hands because there’s no cutlery. And the waiter keeps adding more to your plate, despite your inability to consume anything.
Everything is a mess and you go hungry. You starve.
That’s how I feel right now. Staring at tomato-sauce encrusted hands, wondering what the hell I’m doing. Like the spaghetti hanging from my fingers, does it start in the bowl or in my hands? Do the threads of my life lie in my hands, or in someone else’s bowl?
It’s getting harder to discern. Does the waiter know? No, he continues to add to the plate. Placid, warm and friendly smile on his face.
So where am I going wrong? Why am I not telling the waiter where to shove his spaghetti? Someone tell me exactly how, faced with so much food, can I feel so hungry?
I did the right thing didn’t I? I’m hungry so I went to the restaurant. I ordered some food. I know what I like, just as I know what I’m good at. No, wait. Just, hang on right there Neo.
There is no spoon.
No fork to eat with. No knife to cut the food.
No knife.
Eating without a knife leaves me prone to biting off more than I can chew. Unable to break it up into smaller pieces. So is that where I’m going wrong?
Why does the waiter keep adding to my plate? Can’t he see I’m struggling?
I should turn to my friends. They would know. They’re all great, they’re all awesome. Hell, two are coaches, experts in their field. And what about those two men? Holding up their pens like beacons. A guiding light for those that want to follow.
Yes, I should turn to my friends.
Should.
So why don’t I? Why do I shy away? Away from that beacon and away from my friends. Pretend nothing is wrong. That I’m not going hungry, starving despite this mountain of food.
Why do I keep adding to my plate?
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
What do you need, friend? You have my email address, just ask and I will help however I can.
.-= Blogger Dad´s last blog ..Does fear keep you from living? =-.
Because you’re human and it’s human nature to turn inwards. Because we don’t want to bother other people with our issues. Because we’re convinced that we can do this, it’s a test of strength and we have that. Because we don’t like to admit that we’re not coping or that we need help. Because it can be frightening and threatening to let someone into that inner being that’s saying “I need help”.
Do you need any more reasons or will that do, my dear? You know where we are when you’re ready. (((((hugs)))))
.-= Melinda | WAHM Biz Builder´s last blog ..The Basics of a Good Blogsite – Part One =-.
Hell, Marc – you have my phone number! Use it any time. We could email and correspond, but we’d be helping each other as friends. I feel we need to speak. I do my best spaghetti unravelling by phone, with my ‘hat’ on. That’s when I ask the harder questions. Friends don’t usually ‘coach’ friends; they’ve too much personally invested and it’s easy to lose focus and get distracted. You know I’ll do anything in my power to help. Is the waiter fit? My first thought was to distract him, get Lori’s help to disable him – Spock neck tweak maybe – then eat mountains of that spaghetti, get us some wine and talk.
PS Mel’s just arrived while I was writing this and I agree with her. I think we may have to kidnap you and take you to a safe location where we can both hug you.
.-= janice´s last blog ..Holidaying at Home: The East Neuk of Fife =-.
{HUG}
Ok, so let’s take a breath. A deep one. This is the kind of anxious I see (the life overwhelming kind) when we feel like we aren’t getting our purpose right. Like we tried and are failing and try more things and are still not succeeding the way we dreamed we would. Believe me, I know this anxious.
We feel this way because we want so deeply. Because it seems so easy for everybody else. Because there is this underlying message that if we don’t get it right, that it is because we are flawed and unworthy. That we don’t deserve success. I guess that’s half-right; we are flawed. And that is totally ok. Because being perfect is REALLY not all it is cracked up to be.
You’re on your right path, Marc. It is the path that challenges you and makes you dream and wrings your heart out. It’s the path that isn’t easy.
P.S. Unless you just want some commiseration, in which case:
{HUG}
You are awesome. I’m so sorry you are not feeling your awesome. I just know it will get better. Would you like me to beat it up?
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..I’m Almost 40! =-.
Anything. Any time. Just ask.
I know how you feel man. I’ve had a tomato crusted face many times this year myself. Give me a holler, and I’ll help however I can.
.-= Writer Dad´s last blog ..The Perfection of Pixar =-.
Thanks everyone. I wrote this post Friday afternoon, it just poured out of me. It was a good feeling. I don’t really know why I didn’t immediately publish it. I just put it in the queue and left it. Just.
The thing with me is that I tend to (over) analyse things. I started asking questions like; where the hell did that post just come from? Why am I feeling like this? What must I do to change?
That sort of self-exploration, even the acceptance that something is wrong, lifts the burden. Writing is definitely a therapy. As a result, there were many times where I reached for the delete button on this post.
I’m glad I didn’t.
There’s something else I’ve come to realise from reading your comments. I want to email you all, take you up on your kind offers. But I don’t know what to ask.
I’ve made some decisions, come to some realisations, but clearly I’m not out of the woods just yet. Tomorrow there will be a follow-up post. Hopefully pieces of the puzzle will fall into place for you as well as for me.
@Blogger Dad Thank you Dave. You’ve been incredibly understanding over the last few weeks. I really appreciate it.
@Mel Thank you for putting into words what I feared to be “only me”.
@Janice Thank you as well. For your continued support and encouragement. To answer your question, is the waiter fit? Mandy likes to think I am
@Hayden Wow. You are hitting incredibly close to the mark there. Not getting my purpose right. Trying and failing. Awesome comment! And yes go ahead and beat it up
@Writer Dad What can I say Sean. I’ve identified with you and your situation more than anyone else these last 6 or 7 months. The realisation of the inner writer yearning to be free. The desire to better yourself and to be a better provider for your family. The deep breath before plunging into uncharted waters.
It’s like an echo of my own life, my own being. Heck, just replying to you brings out the better side of my writing. Did I ever tell you you’re an inspiration
Okay first thing first. *hands you a fork, knife, spoon and napkin* There you go. Clean up and eat properly while I go take care of that idiotic waiter.
*Grabs the waiter by his collar, punches him in the nose* Take that!
Though if I may dare say so, he was just doing his job. You didn’t tell him to stop and his job is to keep on serving. But you’re my friend and therefore the waiter deserved the punch.
Now that we’ve settled that, tell me what I can do for you.
.-= Samar´s last blog ..It’s called freelancing: How would you deal with these situations? =-.
Urgggggh, you’re the Waiter?!! Quick metaphor change!
I agree with Samar and Hayden. As you know, I bore everyone rigid banging on about knowing who you are, what you want and why. But it all starts with questions and knowing what you adore, value, need and want. Then more questions. If you keep going without knowing your deepest values and purpose, you end up blindly hacking down forests looking for your way out. Stop! Take stock, metaphorically climb the nearest tree; you have to figure out where you are before you can see how to get from there to where you’re going. We’re just one part of the mosaic that makes up your map. I’m sure everyone who loves you will support, advise, guide and share, but it doesn’t matter what kind of wonderful map you’re given. You need to know where you’re going, and most importantly, a map’s useless if you don’t know exactly where you are right now. To do that you need to stop, stand still and get your bearings.
.-= janice´s last blog ..Holidaying at Home: The East Neuk of Fife =-.
I read this earlier this morning and struggled for the right thing to say, to let you know how much we all care about you. I decided to go exercise and hopefully would gain some clarity.
One of the songs I was exercising to was Josh Groban’s “You are Loved.” Perfect! It said exactly what I’d hoped to convey! I looked on youtube and found a 2 videos of the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qonK8YgmbQU&feature=related
I hope you can access one or the other. Janice told me once that she couldn’t get a youtube link from me, something about the UK not being able to access it. So here’s my third option, in case you can’t get the videos:
You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt that you hide
When you’re lost inside I
I’ll be there to find you
Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody needs to be loved
Don’t give up
Because…you are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
Don’t give up
Everyone needs to be loved
You are loved
.-= Randi´s last blog ..Sunday Serenity 7-19-09 =-.
There’s really a lot in that post, Marc. I’m very impressed with it both for the metaphor and its authenticity. I’ve read it several times, and I’ll be rereading it again, to figure out why the imagery resonates for me personally.
I feel you reaching out, even though it seems you’re not sure how to accept the help you may get in return.
One thing I noticed reading is that there are a lot of rules binding your behavior. Rules like “I need to eat whatever I’m served”; “I need to eat everything on my plate”; “I can’t eat with my fingers”; and perhaps “I can’t tell the waiter I don’t want spaghetti”. You might want to re-examine some of those and how they are constricting your life.
I get the sense that you’ve tried hard to follow the rules. You did the right thing. That’s not working for you in some way. What would be the risk of breaking some of them, or just deciding to change them?
Perhaps you could talk to the waiter about trying something different – skip to dessert! Maybe you could find someone hungry for spaghetti, and feed them. The post did evoke the old story about the difference between heaven and hell:
http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/newsletters/inspire1124.htm
Perhaps you could even find someone who would enjoy being fed spaghetti from your fingers. And perhaps they’d feed you too. I have a feeling that would help you feel less hungry.
@Samar Thanks. I needed that chuckle!
@Janice I love that metaphor. So, my wee compass, which way am I pointing?
@Randi Thank you Randi. Those links worked. Maybe only certain content is restricted? I’ve always been a fan of Josh Grooban’s work so that song was very apt. Again, thank you.
@Karilee What an excellent way of analysing my post! My own rules are restricting me. I do think you are on to something there.
You’ve given me lots to think about. Some food for thought
Thank you.
Your soul purpose compass always points straight to the people who need you to share yourself and your gifts with them. That’s where you’re heading. But only you can do the hard graft to figure out where you are now, who you are now and what those gifts are.
And there’s another compass, pointing straight to your bloody phone!
.-= janice´s last blog ..Stunning photos…sigh =-.
@Samar Thanks. I needed that chuckle!
@Janice I love that metaphor. So, my wee compass, which way am I pointing?
@Randi Thank you Randi. Those links worked. Maybe only certain content is restricted? I've always been a fan of Josh Grooban's work so that song was very apt. Again, thank you.
@Karilee What an excellent way of analysing my post! My own rules are restricting me. I do think you are on to something there.
You've given me lots to think about. Some food for thought
Thank you.